theophania

Haha, like erm, hi. I haven't been here in a while - a really really long while. I guess I've been busy, with all the camps, trainings and common tests and what have you. Don't really know what to say actually - I just thought I should update this dead thing. Napfa was not bad, missed perfect score by a mark/half a cm. My running went down to 12.58, which haha, I'm like really proud of. It's way faster than anything I've done ever.

What else? I screwed up my common tests really badly, so my parents (and I) are freaking out. It wasn't intentional, but then again, it wasn't unexpected either. Sigh, A levels, what am I going to do with it?

Season's starting next week. Like, freak out much? I'm panicking quite badly. I really do hope we win top 3 at least. I mean, this past year of touch rugby has to count for something tangible yeah?

I'm thinking of taking up french again. It's a little random but I just learned that Rachel knows spanish and is now taking french. As in Rachel, senior Rachel. So I'm reflecting on myself and how I can't say I've picked up anything new since primary school, which is like 5 years of pure nothingness. And I do like french. So maybe yeah?

Guess what? I really think my clumsiness will lead to my death someday, if cancer doesn't get me first that is. Why I say that? Because I sprained my ankle AGAIN during training last night. This makes it three times in a year. If I continue at this exponential rate, (the buffer time between each sprain is getting lesser), I'm going to beat Yihong's record. This is well retarded. And I have a carnival tomorrow which I'm not sure I'm playing. Really depends on what Meph says? Shucks. What to do? What to do?

I didn't think that it had been this long since I last posted something public. Haha, oops. But I don't think anyone is complaining, so whatevers right. Haha.

What's going on in my head now? Nothing too spectacular or anything I suppose. It's the same as everyone, I should think. Project Work and Promotional Examinations. The two horrendous Ps. I think I'm stressed, cause my body is showing signs that I am. Damn it really. The end of year is when I get fatter, more hideous and a lot more cranky. Not to mention, dumber. Cause really, I've lost all motivation to study hard. And this sucks, cause I know I'm not stupid. If I put myself to it, I can do well. I know it. My parents know it. My teachers and friends, okay, maybe they don't know it. Shit. Sigh. I need a life coach. Someone to guide me through life. But like, who wants to live my life for me right?

Bah, what the hell. I'll just do what I can. I'll survive, like I always manage to do somehow. If life feels kind to me, I'll score decently. If not, ah well, shit happens right?

And I realise, every year is just a humbling experience. Each year, I get reminded some how that I'm even more insignificant than I previously thought. Now, if you did your calculation right, you would have realised I had a huge head back when I was a little kid. I mean seriously, when I was really little, life revolved around me and only me. Now, I'm beginning to realise, life not only doesn't revolve around me, life makes me revolve around it. Dipshit.

On a brighter note, I'm glad for my project work teammates. Other groups seem to have utter pigs in their teams. Said pigs, as Aaron said, wouldn't have lasted long in our group. Either they stopped being pigs or they would have found themselves flayed and deep fried. *smiles*

Today was a happy day! Training, though it almost killed me, was great! Okay, the following statement may sound completely superficial and like something only a little kid who doesn't understand much would say but you know, whatevers. Meph finally said the words "good" and "nice" to me again!!! OMG FINALLY!!!!! I don't know why, but I need such things to keep me going. I mean, like people who read this may shake their heads in disappointment and think that I'm so, I dunno, immature and don't have any will power to keep myself going without other people's approval, but you know what? I'm so happy I don't give a shit about what those people think. *Sticks out tongue childishly* They don't get how much I look up to people like Meph that not meeting up to their expectations really just makes me feel so damn crappy until the day I finally prove myself again. Sigh. Good sigh. HAHAHAHAHA. Splits were quite fun today, though I think I could push myself to be faster. Loops were, bleh. I was dropping balls that I shouldn't be letting fall, flinging balls that were never supposed to be flung, running to places that I wasn't supposed to, and letting people who I should be catching run past me. Eck! And fitness.... omg. Suicide runs. My gosh, weren't they aptly named? By the 4th set, I was about to just fold over and die. Crud. Only thing I was proud of was that I ran all 5 sets instead of dropping out like I badly wanted to. I ran so slowly... But, not to fear, I'll do better. I WILL!!!! And shamaine will be alongside me, improving!!!! AWESOME!!!!!

AND AND, GUESS WHAT?! Holy hell, I passed chem! I freaking passed chem! Like seriously, what the hell right?! Okay, most people aren't happy with just a pass, but I am!!!! And honestly, who else is more important right? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I'm kidding. KIDDING. First chem paper with stoichiometry that I passed. *BIG GRINS* I barely scrapped the pass mark, admittedly, but it's a start right? 'A' for chem, here I come. Watch out world, tbaksn is going to understand chem!

Sho, entertaining enough? HAHAHA. Feel special? I blogged for your entertainment!

This is retarded. Seriously, doing stuff really ain't fun unless you can't do them. Makes sense? I mean like, during the exam period, I was bombarded with weird temptations to do the strangest things, like blogging, sleeping, watching tv at ungodly hours and yadda yadda... And now that the bloody exams are over, BAM! I don't feel like doing any of those anymore. THIS IS RETARDED! Damnit.

Okay, but I must thank certain people who have helped me keep my head on. Sho, qiqi, huiyi, renci... Haha, though there really wasn't any real danger of me losing my mind because it wasn't like I was putting 100% in. But still, they managed to comfort me by reminding me that it's not that easy to retain, though until now I still like to beg to differ.

Sigh, you know what, this is pointless. I do NOT have the inspiration to write anything, so till my muse comes back, BYE. I'm going to stone, like what sho suggested I do.

Okay, first things first - TOUCH RUGBY! OMG, what do I say? I want to be sooo many things. I want to be faster, I want to be more flexible, I want to be more balanced, I want to be able to read people better, I want to be more spatially and situationally aware, and most importantly, I want to be able to last a bloody game. AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Damn shit! I wanna scream!!! Haha, okay sorry, but you get my point right? And as I have been kindly reminding everyone, just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it. Which frankly, I feel, sucks like shit. Today, wasn't that bad. I managed to stay "happy", or at least smile enough to make Meph think I'm getting better. Okay, I don't know whether I succeeded completely, but I hope I did. That stupid grin got really annoying to keep up after a while. I mean, to some extent, trying to fake being happy managed to lift my spirits up a little, which is good. But for someone who wears her heart on her sleeve like me, it felt really, you know, fake. Bah! My head's repeating scenarios from the game, and I'm literally pointing out all the mistakes I made to myself. Like, EVERYONE was exploiting my slow back five, I was tracking, I didn't run fast enough or pass fast enough to make a successful loop, I can't run up fast enough to defend my man, I accidentally went for the same man as my team mate SEVERAL times... ERGH! And during training itself, I passed too slow, floppy passes, didn't turn enough, can't catch for the life of me, CAN'T OVERCOME INERTIA... I've successfully thrown all my fundamental skills out of the window. Ironic. The only thing I'm successful at is failing. I think I need personal tuition for touch rugby. HAHAH. Is there such a thing?! I want one! The tuition teacher would get really pissed at me after a few sessions of course, but at least I can focus on the things I need to improve on.

Okay, now that I'm done whining about the crappiness of my performance, I shall now pep-talk myself into doing better and not lose heart. (My gawd, I'm a loser...) OKAY STOP! Alright, I'm going to improve. I'M GONNA I'M GONNA I'M GONNA. And I'll do that by improving first, my speed and stamina. Those two, I'll do on my own. Cause doing with other people just makes me even more demoralised and that just defeats the whole purpose of trying to improve out of training. Okay, maybe I can ask shamaine and jaslyn along. And then, I'm going to work on my side steps, realignment and basically, quick-footing. Afterwhich comes my passing and catching. Those, I'm going with gut feeling. Yeah, I know, what the hell right? But apparently, thinking too much doesn't do shit for my passing. So I'll listen to Meph's advice, and don't think so much. Just push throw! And catching, well, hmm, I shall try thinking of the ball as my future. If I don't catch it, there goes my good life of slacking and shit. HAHAHA. I doubt that's going to work, but it'll definitely provide ample self-entertainment! Once I get my act together, I can then concentrate on the team part! Alright!!!! Good.

Now, academics. Ahhh, rubbish shit, that's what it is. As of now, I'm trying to stuff so much into my brain, I think it's going to explode. But if 40 years of students before me can do it, I can do it too! I'm going to try my mom's friend's technique. Of course it would be for after cts. I'm pretty much screwed over for cts already. So anyways, after cts, I'll wake up every morning, read one or two of my notes before heading off to school. I'm going with the theory that repetitive exposure will burn those notes into my cerebrum. And also, I'm going to try to find a study partner. Like, to just stay in school with me till like, 6-7, once a week? Hopefully can find, though I highly doubt it. OKAY! Great.

What else? Nothing much actually. X (as so nicely coined by qiqi) is still a conundrum, to most people at least. So is my third name. It's damn funny listening to the different types of bribes people come up with to coax both answers out of me. Except for that one time, one of them turned physical and tore my bag. (Shiyun) Tsktsk. Been talking to one particular person a lot, albeit with quite a bit of issue with actually thinking of something worthy to talk about. Don't know how it happened, but it's been nice. Also have been bonding with sho over training. HAHAHA. Both of us get particularly upset after bad trainings and then we'll be like fretting over our not-improving-fast-enough skills. In retrospect, it's actually damn hilarious. Finding it harder to maintain in contact with old friends. Grah! But cannot! I must persist!

Okay okay, break's about to end. Got to go try stuffing more information into my pin-sized sorry excuse for a brain. Wish me luck kay! I want to at least be able to decently pass my cts. Not score well, but PASS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, PASS!!!!

Funny observation: I need to improve on a lot of passes in my life nowadays.

That's all there is to life isn't it? As in, the answer we all keep trying to find to life. I don't want to pretend that I know what life is all about and what everyone thinks, but it really does feel that way. That what we strive to do at the end of the day is to be complete. To feel that sense of wholesome, that every part of you is filled in and there's nothing more in life you could possibly desire. We study, work hard, find people to love, all that shit to fulfil ourselves, to make sure that when our time is up, we don't end up lacking something. We want to be complete, in control, and contented. But heck, why does the process have to be so difficult?

I'm officially FREAKING out. I'm dying for my academics, like seriously, I can see everyone getting better, just that somehow, I'm not following them. It's annoying. Okay, I know it's cause I'm not working hard enough, but still, I've been working harder than I had in years. It'll take time for me to really go all way out and work like a nut. (Not that a nut actually does any work.) For cca, OMG. Yeah, that's like the best way to describe it. OMG. Stress much? I can totally imagine it. I'll be on the field (hopefully) and coach will be screaming at me, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LOOK AT WHERE YOUR TEAMMATES ARE! THROW NOT CHUCK! GET OUT!! GET OUT!! SUB, SUB, SUB!!!" And I'll come out feeling like a total idiot, for disappointing my team and making a fool of myself. ERGH! And the best part is, whenever I freak out, I talk a lot. Like seriously, damn alot, and my voice goes way high and loud. It annoys me. Can you imagine? My voice annoys even me, what the heck must other people be feeling man? And it's like non-stop verbal diarrhea. I'll be like, shuddup tiffany shuddup, in my head, but my mouth is like a whole different entity of its own. I can't stop it even if I wanted to. So, it ends up with everyone in my team, senior and batchmate, hating me. BLAH!

Know what? I'm going to change. I'm going to do my best to change. And I'll start with practicing my self control. I'm going to get fitter. And I'm not going to eat junk anymore. I can do it. Totally. And I WILL. Just watch.

But erm, for academics, seriously, that one is just really no hope. Sorry to say, but sigh, I don't think I can improve that.

Night training today was gross but totally awesome! Let me recount it.

So there it was, the rain pouring down mercilessly even though the sun was still shining brightly. A couple of truggers and I watched miserably as the soil below the bushes got mushy and yucky. Doing our sign (which was pretty darn nice), we all carried slightly heavier hearts knowing training was going to be icky. We decided to pack up for the canteen when wind blew the rain in. We got out dinners, finished up with the sign and mentally prepared ourselves, all silently hoping that the rain would last throughout the night. Alas, our hopes were dashed as the rain trickled to a stop just before our training started. Somewhat gloomily, we booted up for training, starting with simple passes. Not long later, Rachel arrived, happily announcing her fantastic plan for the evening. Quoting her, she said, "I've got something fun for you guys to do tonight!" (Okay so not totally quoting her word for word. I can't for my life remember it okay?!) We looked at her skeptically. Something fun never meant something good. Didn't in NCC, definitely not in T-rug. We started off with relatively harmless games, getting us warmed up and a litle dirty. Our boots and socks were thoroughly soaked, but we expected it so we didn't mind. We had fun. AND THEN, she dropped the bomb. After a little water break, she called us back in and told the supposed losing group that they had to wormcrawl. "Wormcrawl?" we echoed curiously. Smirking a litte, she calmly explained to us that it meant getting onto our tummies and crawling IN the mud with no help from our limbs. A chorus of gasps and oh nos came almost instantly. Getting down into that mud?! Hell no! Yet, it was not a choice, but rather a must-do. Reluctantly, the 'losing' group got flat down on the ground as we, the 'winning' group stared. ZZ not wanting to miss out on the fun decided that she would join them and that sparked off a chain reation, resulting in everyone of the 15 truggers to get down on our chests and soak our entire fronts in muddy water. With a word from Rachel, off we went, crawling with all our might, or at least trying to. Crawling without the use of our limbs was admittedly still quite foreign to us. F managed to reach the end point fast, relieving us of our nastiness. We stood up and started making funny faces at our mud soaked clothes. I somehow managed to laugh continuously from the start of the wormcrawl to the end of it. In my defence, it was really damn funny. We grimaced a bit more as we tried to squeeze the water out of our shirts. Eventually, we gave up, deciding it was better to try making art pieces out of everyone's shirts with mud. SHo had the nicest collaboration piece, i decided. And, that was it. The rest of training was relatively normal. End of Story.

HAHAHAH. Nonsense right? Haha. Sorry, felt like being a tid bit dramatic. Anyways, main point is, muddy training ain't so bad afterall. But I really wish I could improve faster. SIGH.

Know why I believe in fate? Cause there's no way someone can stay the same. Everyone changes. And to love the same person all throughout your life, you would need something that's not from this earth. You need fate.